Meet the Cassian
By David "Scooter" Bass - February 21, 2013
Character: Malvolio Portius
Q: Hello. Malvolio, isn't it? I'd like to thank for taking the time to speak to me today.
A: Oh, don't mention it. No seriously, it's my pleasure to be here. I mean, what ever else might someone as important and influential as myself have to do other than sit here and talk to you? Ha! I'm mostly joking of course.
Q: I have to admit, you're the first Cassian I've ever met...
A: Congratulations! You must feel very privileged.
Q: Sure. But let's talk a little more about you...
A: My favorite subject.
Q: I can see that. What can you tell me about being a Cassian?
A: Oh, life is challenging when you're a highborn Cassian like myself. Of course, it’s undoubtedly very difficult for normal people to comprehend.
Q: Please, do your best to explain.
A: Very well. Imagine that you're smarter, stronger, and just generally more capable than almost everyone who surrounds you. Actually, forgive me. I highly doubt you're able to imagine it. It's such an unbelievable burden.
Q: I'm pretty sure I get it...
A: No, wait! Let me paint a picture for you - using simple words, of course. From the moment you're born, there is an expectation that you will lead the empire to its great destiny. Is that clear?
A: Really? I'm not sure you're quite seeing it the way I do. No surprise, of course. Not your fault. You simply don't have the pedigree to do so.
Q: Let's move on. I hear that the Cassians and the Eldan have some history.
A: We most certainly do. The Eldan chose my people to establish the Dominion almost two-thousand years ago, and I'd say we've more than risen to the challenge. That being said, ruling the galaxy hasn't always been easy - regardless of the fact that we do it with such impeccable style.
Q: Given that history, I would assume that you have an interest in planet Nexus?
A: Your grasp of the obvious is truly astounding. Of course I have an interest in planet Nexus, you half-wit! It represents the legacy granted to us by the Eldan so long ago! Nothing could be of more importance.
Q: Then you must not be too happy about the Exiles' having discovered it.
A: I would beg you not to insult me by discussing that galactic scum in my presence.
Q: But don't you think that they have a right to be there since they found it first?
A: I am going to try and ignore the fact that you asked such a ridiculously stupid question. What I will say is that when one's house is infested with vermin, one has little choice but to exterminate those vermin as quickly and thoroughly as possible.
Q: I can see this is upsetting you. Let's change the subject. Tell me more about the Dominion.
A: What's to tell? It's just your standard, all-powerful interstellar empire that has conquered all of the known races in the galaxy. It's quite impressive, you know.
Q: All of the known races? I seem to recall you had some difficulties on planet Gnox...
A: You really are becoming a nuisance.
Q: I just want to get the facts straight. Can you talk to me about the other races in the empire?
A: Oh, very well. There's the Draken of planet Mikros. Savage fellows, to say the least. Difficult to have at a dinner party, but there's none better when it comes to pure, unadulterated violence.
Q: And then there's those robots...
A: You mean the Mechari? Yes. Rather serious chaps, being engineered by the Eldan and all that. I wouldn't exactly call them personable, but they do a spectacular job of protecting the empire.
Q: Anyone else?
Q: Are you sure? I could have sworn that I saw...
A: Very sure. Next question.
Q: Okay. How would you describe the Cassians' role in the Dominion?
A: Well! I don't mean to toot our proverbial horn, but the Dominion would absolutely fall to ruin without the wisdom, intelligence, and exemplary leadership of my people.
Q: Don't you think that maybe you're overstating the importance of the Cassians just a bit?
A: Let me ask you a question. Does your utter lack of intelligence often embarrass you so spectacularly?
Q: I'd say we're done here.
A: Yes? Good. I think I'll go have a lie down.