For ages, warriors throughout the galaxy would slice and dice their enemies with swords, only inevitably to find themselves confronted with something uncuttable. But then someone came up with the crazy idea of hooking a blade up to a fusion accelerator. The result? A marriage made in slaughterhouse heaven. Today's power swords come equipped with ten megatons of liquid awesome hurtage. In. Your. Fist.
Think last year's Thermo-Nuclear Battle Gauntlet was the last word in extremity extreme? Well, stop thinking and listen, because this year we're talking the XL45 Hell Mitten: a supercharged deathgrip that'll have your enemies singing soprano for the rest of their three-second lives. This bad boy comes stocked with something for everyone to die from: a high-velocity ripsaw, 40M retractable battle harpoon, instant-activation riot shield, personal defense plasma barrier, and high-explosive destructo-missiles. Oh...and GPS. This ain't your gam-gam's battle gauntlet!
Enough with the techno-yadda-yadda, egghead...Tactics are for wimps. In the end war's all about two good old-fashioned pastimes: ass-kickin' and face-stompin'. Which one you do with the back of your hand and which comes courtesy of your size 30 boot is up to you, ace.